I took a break for a while, in case you hadn’t noticed.
I needed a moment to stop and figure out why I was doing this, what I was hoping to gain, what I was trying to portray or prove.
I had another miscarriage a few weeks ago, and it felt like everything I was doing and everything I had done was crushing me.
Everything was just crashing down around and on me. Everything was falling apart. There was no relief.
All the dreams and plans I had for my family meant nothing. Nothing I did or tried to do made a difference. None of my prayers felt heard. None of my healthy habits did anything. None of the books I read taught me anything. Nothing I wrote mattered.
I had to walk away from everything for a while (spiritually and emotionally, not physically, of course). I walked away from prayer. I walked away from devotionals and Bible study. I put away writing.
After a little while, I remembered why I started writing. It’s an easy way for me to think through what I’m feeling and thinking. It pushes me to a better understanding of myself. It helps me heal.
I’m not writing this for you, reader (sorry, not even you, Mom). This is all for me and all about me. That’s why it doesn’t matter if no one reads what I write. It doesn’t matter if I’m not touching the lives of a thousand people each day (which naive little me thought would be possible if I got good enough). All that matters is that I write what I haven’t been able to say. So here I am.
I’m back, baby.
My Bible is still tucked away in a corner somewhere. My prayer journal is in a box somewhere in storage. I’m not ready for that yet. My head understands that God has a plan, he hears my prayers, and he’s working in and through me. But my heart doesn’t agree right now.
Right now, I’m here to say what I feel, share pictures of my Daisy who is such a light in my life, and maybe share fun things that I do.
In the meantime, while I’m not praying, you can pray, reader. My heart doesn’t understand, but my head knows that prayer is a good thing. God hears your prayers. There’s a lot to pray about, and we all have our things, so I won’t tell you what to pray for. You’ll know. Just pray.